When Is It Time To Change Churches

I serve as the director of the regional branch of my religious denomination. Part of that role includes overseeing the efforts of 37 churches in my region. Because of my position, people often ask me how they can know if it is time for them to change churches. This is always an awkward moment for me. I know that my response will impact not only that family but two churches as well. I know that if I tell them to go to a different church, then the church they have been in may be losing one great family. I know that if I tell them to stay in their current church, I may well be hindering their spiritual growth because a different church may indeed be exactly what they need to pull them out of a spiritual rut and take them to the next level in their spiritual development.

I still do not have a perfect answer worked out to that question. But I have been working through some processes that families can explore when they come to that place in their life where they are considering changing churches.

Here are some wrong reasons to change churches:

  1. We want a church that is more “fun.”
    While the church should be fun, that is not its primary purpose. The primary purpose of the church is to proclaim the Gospel of Christ to a community that does not know Him. Will changing churches help either church more effectively accomplish its task of proclaiming the Gospel?
  2. We want a worship service that has more “zip.”
    While younger people tend to like more “zip” in their worship than older generations, what is more, important is that worship honors Christ and helps the worshippers be more in tune with what the Spirit is speaking into their lives. Regardless of worship style or music preference, one must ask which church will help the person focus on God and be more connected to Him. Which service has more “zip” may not be the correct question nor the right answer.
  3. We are tired of having to teach all the classes and lead all the programs for young people. It will be much easier to go to a church where there are other people with children the same age as ours who can help share the burden. News flash! Every church, regardless of its age or size has trouble recruiting youth and children’s workers. If we change churches just because we think it will be “easier” we will most likely be disappointed a few months later when we find ourselves taking more than our share of turns in the nursery.
  4. The pastor (or deacon, or Sunday School teacher, or youth group leader, etc.) made us mad.
    We should never leave a church in anger. When we do, we simply take the anger with us to the next church. It may lay dormant for a few months, but eventually, our anger will come out at the new church. This is not fair to the new church. If someone at our current church said something to us or our child that makes us upset, we should speak to the person directly and get the issue resolved. Running from an issue does not count as “resolving” it. Gossipping about the issue to others does not count as “resolving” it. Only by going directly to the individual involved can we resolve such issues.

Here are some valid reasons to change churches:

  1. Our child does not want to go to church at all because nothing at the church relates to his or her life.
    While every child goes through the occasional “I don’t feel like going to church” phase, when the phase becomes a clear pattern, our child’s spiritual well-being is in trouble. It is time to find a church that will relate to our child for his or her spiritual health.
  2. Our child is faithful to attend church but there is nothing for them to do at church but sit and listen.
    If our church offers nothing at all for young people, even though they are faithfully there, then something is wrong with the church as a whole. While some churches offer more or less in the way of programming, every church ought to offer something. If there is a faithful group of young people coming to church and the church simply ignores them, it is time to find a new church!
  3. Our children would like to serve the Lord in some way, but the church has no avenue for them to do so.
    While very young children may be limited in what they can do for the Lord, as children approach adulthood, they will want to do something to serve. Perhaps it might be to help collect the offering, offer a prayer, sing a song, help in a class for younger children, or pass out bulletins, etc. A church should be using its young people and training them to take over when the adults are gone. If a church is not willing to use the young people that God has already given them, those churches should not be surprised when the young people find a new place where they can serve the Lord. Youth are not the “church of tomorrow,” they are the church of today.

If we find that our family is considering changing churches, we should proceed slowly. We must pray through the situation thoroughly. We should think through the comments above objectively. We should discuss the subject with the entire family openly. If our family does decide to change churches, we owe it to our current pastor to sit down and have an open, honest, and loving discussion of why we are going elsewhere. If we have made commitments to help lead a program, we should remain in that position until our current term ends so that we do not leave our current church hanging. When we leave, it should always be on good terms, who knows, we may find ourselves back one day!

Dealing With Church Visitation Disasters

However, there is no way to eliminate the possibility. If a pastor or layperson makes regular visits to members of the congregation, a visit will eventually go bad. When a visit turns into something negative, we should be ready to navigate through the situation so we can steer people back toward positive thinking. If a visit does turn into a disaster, here are some steps to follow to make the best of a bad situation:

  1. Stay as calm as possible. Remember, the Holy Spirit knew this situation would happen and yet He sent us on the visit anyway. Trust the Holy Spirit for wisdom to get through the situation.
  2. Make a written record of what happened as soon as possible while we still remember the details. Though it is possible we will never show this record to anyone else, writing it down will help us sort it out in our minds. In the unlikely event, we need to remember the exact details at some point in the future, we will be glad we have this written record.
  3. Talk to the appropriate church leadership to apprise them of the situation. They are most likely going to hear about it eventually anyway, so get the awkward conversation out of the way as soon as possible. The leaders will respect us more for being upfront instead of trying to hide what happened.
  4. Be prepared to admit, and correct, any part we played in creating the negative situation. Even if we are only partially at fault, we should be willing to admit to that part. If we are the primary cause of the negative situation, we must be willing to admit that as well.
  5. Pray for the grace and mercy of God to be active in the situation. Many times prayer changes the situation. When prayer is involved, disasters do not seem as dark as they did when they first happened. Often the Lord begins to calm everyone’s nerves as time passes.
  6. Make a follow-up contact in a timely way to help remove relational barriers. Be honest and tell the person we are sorry the situation turned out the way it did. Try to reach out and show kindness to them. Even if they are unwilling to accept the apology or kindness at the present moment, in time, they may have a change of heart and we want to have already done our part to resolve the situation.

No one likes a visit that turns negative. But the reality is that it is impossible to keep every visit positive. Even in less-than-positive situations, it is possible to have a positive long-term outcome. Following the steps above is one way to navigate the path back to a positive position after a difficult visit.

Being Hurt By The Church But Still Loving Jesus

I have been a minister for 25 years, and most of that time I have served outside the “Bible belt” in regions of the country where organized religion is less popular. People often tell me that they believe in Jesus but not the organized church. Such people normally share some story that details how they were hurt by a church at some point in their past. That negative experience soured them on the institutional church but did not make them abandon their belief in Jesus.

I can relate to people who have been hurt by the church because I have had my share of hurt that came from the way the people in the church treated me, even though I was the pastor. For example, people often lie to me when they say they are too busy to volunteer at church, but then I see their posts on Facebook and realize they were not doing anything significant anyway. Another example is people claim to care about others but then tell me they cannot give more money to the compassion ministries of the church because they are broke. But those same people always have enough money to buy new cars and go on exotic vacations. When people do not volunteer or give, I am the one who normally has to fill in the gaps they leave. Believe me, I know what it is like to be lied to, to be overworked, and to be underpaid because people are more self-centered than they want to admit.

Then there are the people who say the church did not help them in their time of need. I recognize that some churches have failed in this area. I am sure I have failed to meet every need that arose in the churches I have served. But it has been my experience that the people in the church who demand the largest portion of the minister’s time and energy are the same ones that complain the most about the church. There is nothing more frustrating than pouring your life into someone to help them, only to have them talk bad about you behind your back. A minister, perhaps more than anyone else in the church, understands what it means to be hurt by the organized church because they have experienced hurt more times than most people could imagine.

Yet, most ministers remain loyal to the organized church. Perhaps it is because we understand that a church is made up of people. And people are not perfect. Even Christian people make mistakes. In my own life, I have learned the value of forgiveness and the need to keep my eyes focused on Jesus, not on people. If I focus on the actions of people in the church, I will be frequently disappointed. But if I focus on the Head of the Church, Jesus, then I will love the church, even when its people disappoint me.

When thinking about the organized church, one also must be practical. From a practical perspective, it would be difficult to accomplish much without some kind of organizational system that makes it happen. Think about how many soup kitchens, homeless shelters, crisis pregnancy centers, youth groups, job training programs, after-school programs, and other community programs are operated by churches. Churches have facilities and structures already in place to help those programs operate efficiently and effectively. If we just had a bunch of individuals who believe in Jesus but were not organized enough to demonstrate that love to others in practical ways, what good would that group accomplish? Not much. But an organized church, though not perfect, can make a real difference in the lives of others. Perhaps instead of complaining about the institutional church, more people should become involved in the church. We should become part of the solution instead of just a complainer about the problems. After all, we, the people, are the church, so if it is to be fixed, we are the ones who will do the fixing!